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A secure sense of self

by Laurie Steffen

I arrived in Barcelona with no expectations other than to have a great time and become fluent in Spanish. I was not prepared for the extent to which my sense of self would be challenged and redefined for the better. The culture was refreshing – accepting yet confrontational, fast-paced yet stopping for the things that matter.

I found a lifestyle in Barcelona that valued relationships and spending time more than worrying about time and productivity wasted. The most important thing in Barcelona seemed to be that one live, and live fully – this meant spending [and] enjoying time with people, food and the city. With an emphasis on relationships, it seemed people held more respect for each other. I found it odd that, coming from a town of 500, I felt safer than I ever had in this city of two million. I was at home there.

On my last day in Barcelona, I went to La Casa Pedrera [a building designed by the architect Gaudí] and looked out at the city from its roof, then to the Sagrada Familia [a church, also designed by Gaudí], marveling at the time and determination put into something that remains incomplete. I thought about what I had learned here – how different I felt and yet how secure in that this was who I was supposed to be.

That night, I panicked while trying to pack. Even though I knew my loved ones were in the United States (and thus my life was), the thought of leaving overwhelmed me. I found it hard to breathe.

Somehow I made it on the plane the next morning. At the airport in France, I refused to speak English. I saw lots of Americans. Everything that had been “normal” for me in the United States, such as dress – Crocs, sweats, polos, flip-flops and Hawaiian print shirts – horrified me. I realize that tourists are never the best ambassadors for a country, but I still struggled. Hearing English all around me made me feel smothered. I couldn’t bear to talk with the English speakers around me. How could they understand me? They had all been on vacation, while I had been living there. I even persisted in speaking Spanish when the guard looked at my passport and directed me one way – I pretended not to understand his English and responded in Spanish so he would address me in Spanish.

I arrived at JFK, where I had a 12-hour layover. I found myself in a daze. I heard some airport staff speaking Spanish in line to get food and I sat close to them to find some comfort.

Spain was crucial for my liberal arts education. I was not only taking classes in another language, but also learning about another culture by finding my place in it. I collected data for my senior psychology seminar while there, conducting a study on culture shock, and later found myself bringing up points from [Barcelona] classes in my psychology courses here. I think of the issues we face in our current society and how they are being handled in Spain – if they are even an issue. I think of the little space I lived in there and how comfortable that was and how much stuff I have here and I wonder why. I think of how I got in the habit of turning off my light every time I left a room or unplugged things at night to save electricity and feel guilt when I do not do the same here. I see prescription drug commercials on TV here, remember their absence in Spain and think about how our lifestyles are creating these health problems and how we can’t seem to slow down enough to take care of ourselves and live right.

I realize Spain is not the utopia I have perhaps painted, but living and studying there has probably been the most important part of my education. It not only piqued a strong desire to study, work or volunteer abroad to better understand basic issues in life from other vantage points, but has also made me realize that in whatever career I pursue, an important part of that will be working for appropriate solutions within and across cultures.

Spain seems a distant memory, yet I am amazed at how often I think of it – how easily my senses put me right back there, on the metro, in my room, on the street, or in a café. It is an experience for which I am very grateful.

Laurie Steffen, Cunningham, graduated from Bethel May 25 with a double major in psychology and Spanish. This article is from Laurie’s contribution to the annual “Study Abroad Reports” convocation held at Bethel last spring.